And So It Goes...

A friend of mine told me this week that all my blogs are about working out (by the way your comment never did come through), and for the most part that is true because that is what I'm excited about right now.  However, since nothing has really changed on the workout front, I decided to change this weeks blog up a bit.

So it goes...my grandfather used to say that often (God rest his soul), usually toward the end of a conversation, and my siblings, cousins and I will throw that into a conversation once in a while just for fun.  Today, I actually looked up the meaning.  "So it goes..." is an idiom used to be fatalistic and accepting when something goes wrong".  Although I wouldn't consider our conversations with him (or to each other) to be tragic, the phrase is quite fitting for this weeks blog.

First, I cheated...on my diet that is and it was good.  Ok, I cheated a little and I felt a bit bloated Friday because of it, so I guess my body was punishing me.  But who cares.  Friday was the first day I had Coke in 2 weeks (at lunch and I didn't even finish it. which means I had about 10 oz.) and it was Coke Zero (so no calories) but it did have caffeine. However, I've been sleeping like crap for the past week and a half, so I don't think the caffeine is going to make much of a difference. Oh, and I also had a miniature Twix. (which is like half of a half...and oh so good).  But I've been very strict on my diet for the past two weeks and I'm willing to bet that some days I didn't eat over 1200 calories. So it's ok to cheat every now and then, don't you think?

So...why did I cheat?  Maybe because we all need to once in awhile (to feel human and not like some strict diet machine or a maniac as one friend called me) or maybe because I was in a funk all week and just wanted to taste something sweet. Who knows? I don't regret it (well, maybe just a little).

As for the funk...do you ever have one of those days (or in my case a week to 10 days) where you just aren't in your usual chipper mood.  Where you're tired and wore out, where you want to laugh and have fun but you just don't feel up to it.  Well, that's what this funk has been like for me.

Blah would be the best way to describe it.  And I'm not a blah person.  I usually see the upside to a situation or find something to laugh about in a situation that maybe I shouldn't be laughing in.  But this week, I was blah. To get my point across in how blah I've been...well, it has taken me 2 days to write this weeks blog (because the words just aren't flowing).  And, I have come to the conclusion that my restless nights have something to do with my funk filled days.

Don't get me wrong, my entire week wasn't a flop. I got a lot of work done and come Wednesday I did start to perk up...a little. Especially, when I got flowers from a committee member for my birthday.  That made made my day and to be honest that's all I really remember about that day.  Then Thursday and Friday came and although I didn't feel like doing much, I at least enjoyed my day at work. I don't know... maybe it had something to do with the amount of phone calls I got. I usually don't get any and if I do, they are few and far between. But Thursday and Friday my phone was ringing and my email was dinging. I spoke with several different people and I have to say I enjoyed it. I am a people person and I like to interact. Whether it's through email or phone calls, I have to have communication with people. And Thursday and Friday, I got more of it than I had all week and probably the last month.

But come the weekend, I started feeling blah again and still had trouble sleeping. So, now Sunday is here. I got up at 6:30 a.m. after lying in bed tossing and turning for several hours. Dosing here and there (from about midnight on) but not sleeping a full night. I thought after my day yesterday I would certainly get a good night sleep (worked out at 7:00 a.m and cleaned my kitchen from floor to ceiling...literally scrubbed my kitchen floor on my hands and knees for two hours...before mopping it) But still, I slept like crap last night and I can't figure out why.

So, I decided to look up the meaning of insomnia and what might cause it.  And this is what I found...the telltale signs are - difficulty falling asleep, waking up early in the morning and waking up frequently during the night.  Check. Check. And check.  (Fabulous...now what's causing it?) Well, there are only two items on the list of "common road blocks to a sound sleep" that I could possibly have, and they are...anxiety and depression.  So, which one do you think I have?

Could be both for all I know.  Anyone who knows me well, knows that in certain situations I have anxiety (some may see it as extreme frustration, but it's anxiety none-the-less.)  However, I can't think of anything that would cause me to be anxious right now.  And then there is depression.  I don't like to think of myself as being depressed (but I'm not getting any younger and I have yet to find my rock hard abs...so maybe).  But seriously, that is not enough to make me depressed.  Although not enough sleep can cause problems with losing weight (and that will make me depressed if my lack of sleep gets in the way of my quest).

So what do I do?  A friend of mine told me that I'm always trying to fix things, and that is true.  I don't like loose ends and never have.  But this particular loose end is something I have yet to conquer.  I have no energy and can barely keep my eyes open by 8:00 at night, but I don't sleep well when I go to bed, which causes me to be blah during the day and irritable (just ask my husband and child).  I've tried sleep aids (thanks to my pharmaceutical rep husband), but they don't work.  I've tried going to bed earlier. I've tried going to bed later.  I've tried having a drink before I go to bed, but nothing works.

Today, I was so tired that I "tried" taking a nap.  I was so out of it and irritable when I laid down but yet my mind was racing.  I even thought about what I'd be writing in my blog (Aren't you lucky?  Unfortunately, my lack of sleep and blahness will shine through in what I write...so I apologize for my lack of enthusiasm and wittiness).  Yet, I still didn't get any rest (even though I laid down from 1:00 to about 4:00). I'm tired even as I write this and I wonder what tonight will be like and what tomorrow will bring.  Another restless night, another blah and tiresome day?  I hope not, but I'm afraid it will be more of the same until I figure out what's causing it or until what ever is causing it subsides (be anxiety or depression).  Until then...so it goes.